Kathy

Yesterday I went wedding dress shopping with my sister.  I thought it was going to be a horendous day, but was trying to be positive.  We are such different people, that we usually don’t get along.  I won’t get into too many details…lol  Anyways, I have to say that I am amazing!  Seriously, if anyone needs help finding ‘that thing’ I am the person to take with you.  I have friends who can attest to this.  I found the perfect dress in about 5 min.  Of course she tried on others, but I knew this one was the one.  We tried on, bought and paid for everything in an hour.  It was also under the budget they had expected.  It was a fantastic day!  I took a bunch of pictures to show my mom since she is still in the hospital.  So we raced over to show her, and she cried….I knew then we had done good :)     

This morning was my weigh in, and I am down two….yay!!  I forgot what I rush it is to see smaller numbers…lol  My plan for the week is to continue with the exercise (some days I go longer on the treadmill than others, but I do a minimum  everyday), and continue with the three meals two snacks thing.  Oh ya, and H2O, it does help. 

Just a quick note as this is such a busy weekend.  Someone who means the world to me said something and I just can’t get it out of my head.  Somehow the topic of weight came up and I was asked to guess how much they weighed.  Kind of like guessing how old someone is.  I refuse to play either game since someone usually gets offended.  I was told that it is easy to guess, and then they proceeded to tell me I weighed 290.  I just about fell off the chair.  I must have had one hell of a  stunned look on my face, because they then said “I guessed too low didn’t I?”  All I could say was “you guessed way too high”.  The subject was guickly changed, but I just can’t get that out of my head.  All night I have been reliving that moment…”you weigh 290″. 

I am sure we all have had  ‘a moment’ that was unforgettable.  I was once told that “no one will ever love you the way that you are”.  It really sucks.  I am a very intelligent young women.  I didn’t forget I was overweight.  I guess I was shocked that that is how I was being perceived.  Shocked isn’t the right word.  I guess what I am trying to say is that I know exactly who and what I am, but it isn’t on my mind 24/7.  I am working on myself, but it won’t happen overnight.  It hurts that I am only seen as the “fat girl”.  Why not the “funny” or “compassionate” girl?!  I am both those things and many more besides. 

Despite this moment,  I did have a happy Thanksgiving.  I have alot to be thankful for. 

Things are slowly getting back to normal.  I am settling into a new routine.  My mom is still in the hospital, and will likely be there for a while, but she is getting better.  You know, eating hospital food is a great way to lose weight…lol  I have managed to stay on some type of schedule as far as eating goes.  Had every opportunity to eat “bad” food, but didn’t give into temptation.  I haven’t been eating late at night, and have been drinking my water.  Yay for me!  But I haven’t been working out every day :)  Always something to improve on…lol  I hope everyone has a great long weekend!  Happy Thanksgiving!

 I have not been online much lately.  My priorities have all been misplaced.  I found myself doing things that really don’t matter (ie working tons of OT) when I should have been focussing on what is important.  I have a goal that I conveniently forgot about, always something else to do, and then thinking about it when I am in bed.  I have not been taking any time for myself and doing the things that I love, the things that make me tick, the things that are ME. 

Something happened today, and it made me wonder why I am forgetting to be me. Why work so much, will I die happier or live longer?!  I have lost touch with people who mean a great deal, I haven’t been taking care of myself, and I don’t do any of the things that bring me joy.  I need this to end.  I was thinking today, what if I died, what would people remember about me.  What did I really accomplish?  Did I ever help anyone in need?  Do certain people know I love them?  All kinds of thoughts.  I know who I am in my heart, but somewhere along the way it gets lost in translation.  Does anyone know what I mean??

Today, my mom, the glue of our family, was in a car accident.  She tangoed with a semi and lost.  She will be ok.  This is the second time this year that I have seen my parents in the hospital, and I realized I am not prepared to see them get old and die.  Sitting in the hospital all day today, I had alot of time to think.  Seeing my mom weak (she is usually SO strong), and my dad aging before my very eyes made me realize that I have been wasting my potential.  I need to make changes so I can be the happiest/healthiest I can be.  I am not the person I want/need to be.  I always thought that I was a strong person, but realized that I am actually weak.  And I really don’t like that. 

First step is I am back here.  I am going to get back on track, eating properly, moving my a**, etc etc.  Nothing crazy or life altering, just concentrating on the obvious.  A friend who is quitting smoking (she quit twice before due to pregnancy) told me that if she can get through the first 20 days or so, it becomes a habit after that.  I will be applying that to weight loss.  Thanks for letting me rant :)  It is late and I needed to vent.  I will buy a journal for future use…lol

I thought a little humor was in order on such a rainy day here. 

A guy calls a company and orders their 5-day, 10 lb. weight loss program.  The next day, there’s a knock on the door and there stands before him a voluptuous, athletic, 19-year-old babe dressed in nothing but a pair of Nike running shoes and a sign around her neck.  She introduces herself as a representative of the weight loss company. The sign reads, ‘If you can catch me, you can have me.’ Without a second thought, he takes off after her. A few miles later huffing and puffing, he finally gives up. The same girl shows up for the next four days and the same thing happens.  On the fifth day, he weighs himself and is delighted to find he has lost 10 lbs. as promised.

He calls the company and orders their 5-day, 20 lb. program. The next day there’s a knock at the door and there stands the most stunning, beautiful, sexy woman he has ever seen in his life. She is wearing nothing but Reebok running shoes and a sign around her neck that reads, ‘If you catch me, you can have me’. Well, he’s out the door after her like a shot. This girl is in excellent shape and it takes him a while before he can continue, so for the next four days, the same routine happens with him gradually getting in better and better shape.  Much to his delight on the fifth day he weighs himself only to discover that he has lost another 20 lbs. as promised. 

He decides to go for broke and calls the company to order the 7-day, 50 lb. program.  ‘Are you sure?’ asks the representative on the phone. ‘This is our most rigorous program.’ 

“Absolutely,’ he replies, ‘I haven’t felt this good in years.’

The next day there’s a knock at the door, and when he opens it he finds Richard Simmons standing there wearing nothing but pink running shoes and a sign around his neck that reads, ’If I catch you, you’re mine.’

I was talking to a friend this morning, and I was telling her that I felt that I did not know enough about nutrition to have a plan.  I know enough, more than the basics, but my problem is APPLYING what I know.   I have tried counting calories, food journals, etc but it is not for me.  I do not eat consistently, but when I do eat it is  healthy. 

I now have a plan, or at least a list of things I am incorporating into my lifestyle.   It may seem silly to some, but key to success is a mind set.  It is a simple place to start, but it is the starting that is important right?!

 #1 - Do not Diet
Many weight loss programs are still “diets”. You weigh in every week and the end goal is weight loss. Your risk of regaining weight is high if the only reason to make lifestyle changes is to lose weight.  Dieting equals denial and deprivation and therefore causes overeating once we allow ourselves to finally eat the foods we were restricting. We end up eating more than we were before we starting dieting, I know I have in the past.  So instead, make a lifestyle change.

 #2 - Focus on important measures of success.
-increased energy
-sleeping better
-increased self-esteem and self-confidence
-stress relief
-taking time out for oneself                                                                                                                These five things are what I really need to work on. 

#3 - Make gradual changes
“One step at a time” will keep you moving in the right direction. Even though you may get impatient with gradual progress, the changes are more likely to remain permanent.  I am the most impatient person I know, so this will be a real challenge for me. 

 #4 - Have Fun
Remember that you want to be able to live with the changes on a long term basis. Having fun doing different physical activities and experimenting with healthy foods can provide great motivation to continue with your lifestyle shift.  I get bored quickly, so I need to mix things up constantly.  Sometimes I question my age, as I flit from one activity to another like a child…lol

 #5 - Start your day with breakfast
Breakfast eaters tend to have higher metabolisms, have less food cravings and eat less at night.  I have witnessed this first hand.

#6 - Refuel every 2-3 hours
Refuel at regular intervals throughout the day while responding to internal cues of hunger and satiety. Going too long between meals inevitably leads to overeating and in my case depression.

#7 - Eat slowly in a relaxed atmosphere
They say it takes about 20 minutes for your stomach to signal to your brain that you are full. If you eat quickly, you are more likely to overeat.

#8 - Do not do other activities while eating
This distracts from the meal and encourages overeating. Eating should be an event in itself to be enjoyed.  I know I usually eat in front of the tv.

#9 - Be conscious of emotional eating…
and find ways to directly deal with emotions other than eating. Swallowing your emotions with food does not help in the end.

I am launching myself forward despite all the obstacles that lie in wait for me. Despite the critics and despite my own doubts. Ever forward I go. I feel like I am at the beginning again.

I stood in the shower for a half an hour today, underneath luke warm water with my eyes closed and my arms at my side. I felt nothing for a moment. I just let myself and all my intricate parts just circle the drain. It was just an empty moment, but it made me sigh and get on with the day.

I am launching myself into these days, with hope pinned on my sleeve. I lean forward and tempt everything and everyone to just tell me NO. I tempt this whole world to tempt my will. It is as big as everything. It is as vast as all of the things I don’t know. I keep asking questions and waiting for them to boomerang back to my heart in the middle of the night. Sometimes they do. The answers are so layered in mystery and more questions that it all makes me laugh from time to time.

We do things that defy logic, but we do them anyway. We undermine and underestimate ourselves every waking moment of our lives. So seldom do we cheer ourselves on. WE depend on others to cheer us on. That’s why our hearts shatter when someone decides they can’t love us anymore. Or perhaps, they love us, but can’t be with us anymore. When they leave, there is no love, because we certainly don’t love ourselves. We loathe ourselves and take some deep pleasure in the constant punishment.

I need to work out.
I need to buy a new cd, and it will be Justin Timberlake <yikes>.
I need to prop myself up and walk out the door into the sun.

You can not always write down what is inside of you.  It is impossible to articulate every thought, every wish and every secret, desperate, prayer.  It is even harder to convince people who are reading what you write down, that they may not know exactly what it is that you intended to express.  Words are complicated.  They have so many rooms inside of them, that it is hard to know which room holds the real truth.

There are so many things I want to write down, but I do not know where to start, and gladly, I do not know where to end.  I write like I breathe, in waves, never ending waves. How can we always know what we mean?

I have been away from writing for a while.  Life happened, I was depressed, and did not care about too much of anything.  I have pulled myself out of the black abyss, and am getting back to things.  It was hard enough starting once, let alone twice <sigh>  

But I am looking forward to catching up on how everyone has been doing! 

I only check the scale once a week, but I have noticed my clothes are fitting differently.  Today, my jeans were completely too big.  Usually after I wash them they fit nice, and get progressively bagger throughout the day.  But when I put them on today,  I could pull them right off without undoing them.  It is a great feeling that I wanted to share.  I have a long way to go, but it does inspire me to struggle on, especially on those days when I don’t feel like moving my ass at all…..lol  Hope everyone is having a spectacular day!

Another two pounds are gone, and I feel good, good enough to do another 15 min on the treadmill     Things are coming together, though I sometimes feel impatient with the slow progress.  I seem to be the most patient with others, but run out where myself is concerned.  Oh well, something else to work on.  Wishing everyone a Happy Canada Day!